It Never Be

i need to feel these tears
that strong feeling of my crushed heart
i'm like livin' in a dream land, unreal
walking in the dust of sorrow
holding my wishes but never look at them
i cant see my path, my feet
where i stand for my body
where i put my power and strength
where i think i still can walk far enough
all i have now is fog

unclearly, unknown, everything's grey
even my nails are fading to hide from me
those smokes, dancing in the air
saying hi to me, asking me to know
the beauty of living in desert of happiness
with the souls i will never meet in death

i failed to hold this fragile living creature
i fell and it splashed into pieces i've never found
something that i keep the most and put me at ease
now, i lost?
it never be our choice to hug this fog
it never be our will to lean on this fading wall
it never be..

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Flawless Life

i was thinking if there's something wrong in my life. then i realized of how boring it is to have a flawless life. it's not to defend my self from my mistakes. but the awareness of mine says that i have to face and fix it, without thinking about anyone's opinion and judgement.

if there is any saying that says everyone is uniquely created, why should i be the same with others?

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This July!

i'm officially 21 this month!

Sunday, July 14th 2013, he said that he was sure with me, he wanted to have a relationship with me. it shocked me although i had a prediction before that he would do it. this is something that we waited for about 18 months, but when i was facing that moment... i worried.

we have the same idea that a relationship isn't something that we want to try and when we feel we're not match, we'll break apart. no. it's something serious and should be longlasting even until marriage. so we should think about it really really wisely. then after that 18 months, 3 days before my birthday he decided to start it.

but, he didn't want me to answer on that day. he wanted me to ask my parents first if they allow us to be together. so on those 3 days, i  was so confused of how i will tell my parents, especially my dad. i just called my mom on the second day and her response was good.. and i was.. really.. afraid.. to call my dad.

some hours before i had a meet with him on the third day, i finally forced my self to grab my phone and dial my dad's number. i was on the roof of my house. sat down and looked at the sky hearing tuuut...tuuutttt...tuuttt... my dad answered so calm and made my heart beat sooo fast. i almost cried... but his answers totally fine for me. i was relieved to the maxxxx!

so i met him at afternoon and we have dinner with goat soup and goat tongseng. i don't know how to mention and explain it for you, but the taste was not bad. we talked as usual and joked and laughed, and .... he asked me how the result was. i told him my conversation with my mom and dad, he listened carefully.

this is the start of a start. i prepare my self from now to be a good partner for him, but i also still have to be a good daughter for my Father. whatever will be, it will be. as far as i walk with Him, i won't be afraid :)

yes i'm so thankful for everything that happened to me.. you can see how perfect his plan is for me..

it's awwwwweeesome!

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Friends Of Mine (2)

Celebrating Lisa's birthday at ci Ike's house. surpriseee!! :D
Marina, Ci Ike, Lisa, I, and Ranti

Teachers were refreshing to the mall..
I, Ms. Windhi, Ms. Desy, Ms. Ivonne, and the photograper was Ms. Sophia

Disciple Camp at MMCC, Sawangan, Depok
Ly Yen, I, Ferlina, and Wahyuningsih (kak Ayu) 

campus friends, we were at STKIP Kusuma Negara, Kampung Rambutan, Jakarta
up: Tere, Hana, Bekti
down: I, Deta, Lady, and Erina

TBCS Kindy teachers
1st row: Ms. Dyan, Ms. Windhi, Ms. Desy, Ms. Ratni, Ms. Sophie, Ms. Rika
2nd row: Ms. Susi, Mrs. Kim, Ms. Ria, Ms. Josephine, Ms. Reffi, Ms. Yana
3rd row: Ms. Irene, Ms. Ivonne, Ms. Febby, I, and Ms. Bella

Pajamas Day in Book Week
I, Ms. Sophie, Ms. Susi, Ms. Ivonne, and Ms. Windhi

Celebrating Marina's birthday :D

Alex my lovely student. i'll miss you so much :')
his full name is Alexander Louis Hermanto

the gifts from k1 Sheep children with love letters, they were sweet <3 br="">thank you everyone !

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Self-Confidence

this month is my special month to be shaped more by God in social aspect. in fact i have many friends here. in work place, campus, church, and another comunities.. but this month, i feel something that i ever felt before, that made me shut my mouth up almost 'till forever and stay alone everywhere everytime.

i feel unconfident.

uhmm... actually i am unconfident for my lifetime. but it's getting worse this time. i always feel bad about my self, knock my own head and say how stupid my act was, and don't want to socialize with others. i just want to be alone along this month. except in my work place because i can't work alone there.

i don't know why, but i know this is bad. the fact that i become an unsocialized girl is a bad news. in this young age and i stay away from my friends and stressed out? it's ridiculous. what am i thinking?!

i was sad for some days and thinking about my self, that i had done so many mistakes, people judged me, they critics me, they ignored me, then i became a sensitive person until they only joked or advice me, i feel angry. this is really really bad. i know.

so i prayed when i was on the way to campus this evening, i prophesied to my self that i am a special girl for Jesus, i .... i forget what i said that time..ohahaha :p
but after that, i felt relieved because i felt the joy and peace flew in my heart and i knew that He has heard me and gave me what i need. so i am so grateful tonight because i have joy in my heart (before that, i planned to not talk along the lectures).

it's really a precious thing to learn that i really need Jesus although i have problems in my self and it's because of me. He will always accept me the way i am and never judge me like people do.
and today i also learn about prophecy (nubuat). that we say something good for people or ourselves IN JESUS NAME, we'll be healed 100% because of our faith. i tried it, and i felt it. amazing!

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We Can't Choose

let's think about this:

If i don't have this family,
1. i will not suffer for years when i was a kid, from primary school 'till college
2. i will not feel the pain in my body and my soul
3. i will not cry all night long and starve because of hating them and myself
4. i will not hate men, honk, kids, and shouting
5. i will not get any problems in school
6. i will not run away from home
7. i will not have faith in Him
8. i will not meet him
9. i will not think and write about these all
10. i will not be thankful and forgive them

if i don't have this family, will i have the better one?

we can't choose.

i'm so grateful i can realize this in my young age. so i won't make it worse than before.

how about you? :)

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What Should We Do When We're G.A.L.A.U ?

hahaha..hello
in this post, i wanna use bahasa Indonesia. i dont know, it feels better for my feeling now. am i sad? hmm, maybe.

ini nih yang namanya galau ye. campur aduk kayak susu, lemon, jengkol, cabe rawit, ikan asin n mengkudu diblender dan disajikan di sebuah gelas. huaaakkkss.!
agak sulit dimengerti ya rasanya. itulah mengapa aku pake bahasa Indonesia khusus di post ini, karena orang bule kagak ngerti arti "galau" dan arti kata itu ga bisa ditemuin di Kamus Besar Bahasa Indonesia, edisi 2013 sekalipun.

tentunya ente2 sekalian udah tau aku galau karena apa..hahaha
apalagi kalo bukan tentang lope lope'an.. kadang kalo temenku curhat yg gitu2an, aku bisa dgn gampang ngerti problem mereka, jadi pendengar yg baik, n kasi saran ini itu. mungkin kondisiku saat ini bisa diibaratkan dengan istilah "dokter aja ga bisa operasi diri sendiri".

ketika aku menghadapi sebuah ketidakpastian, aku berusaha utk sepenuhnya bergantung sama Tuhan. aku udah bingung mau ngapain lagi, karena ga punya clue sama sekali utk melangkah dan melihat masa depanku akan seperti apa. benar2 blank! walaupun secara manusiawi, aku udah super duper penasaran bangeettt ini kapan waktunya aku bakal ngertiii...? di saat titik terjenuhku, aku lelah menunggu. aku lelah menerka-nerka. aku berhenti berharap. kemudian keinget, "berani berharap harus berani kecewa". :(
Tuhan seringkali berbicara padaku dan nguatin aku, agar aku ga menerka2, agar aku ga khawatir akan masa depanku. agar aku 100% bergantung sama Dia aja, bukan kepada manusia sekalipun manusia itu orang yg paling aku kasihi. Tuhan pengen aku percaya penuh kalo Dia yg akan berkarya utk hubungan kami suatu hari, entah bersatu atau berpisah, Dia pengen aku percaya kalo itu semua demi kebaikan aku. karena selama ini aku ga pernah dikecewain Tuhan... :')

"trus kenapa lo galau sekarang?"
aku pengen ketawa sambil nangis. pengharapanku pada Tuhan selalu bikin aku bersukacita, tapi perasaanku yg duniawi ini haus akan jawaban yg sesegera mungkin dan sejelas mungkin. dalam hal ini, aku belajar bersabar, berpengharapan penuh pada Tuhan, mengontrol diri, dan tetap rendah hati.. :)
help me, God..

aku.... cuma perlu jadi diriku sendiri. jangan berusaha agar disenangi orang lain. aku cuma perlu mensyukuri anugerah Tuhan yg ada padaku. jangan berubah demi mendapat pengakuan duniawi. aku tipe pemikir, orang2 bilang aku tipe stabil, ada yg bilang aku cermat. intinya aku orang yg otaknya kebanyakan mikir dan mulutnya kebanyakan istirahat. jadi segala sesuatu kebanyakan aku simpan sendiri utk ku analisis dan kalo diibaratkan kayak di kantor, kertas2 draft udah menumpuk di sudut ruangan jadi sampah yg lama ga dibersihkan. kebanyakan hasil analisisku sia2 dan aku stress sendiri. this is one of the most important things for me to change. karena aku perlu utk ke next level. aku ga mau stuck di sini2 aja dan seperti kesesat di sebuah labirin..

actually kalo aku benar2 berpengharapan pada Tuhan akan masa depanku, aku ga perlu cape2 nulis di sini seperti orang yg ga punya temen curhat. yeah i'm still learning to trust Him with ALL of my heart.

thank God i still have a heart and a mind to have this thought..hahaha
awesome!

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Prayer

i never know and understand the power of prayer before. because i didn't pray much.
but once i prayed, it happened by miracle. some people said that God is really with me and not only hear my prayers, but also make it happen. it's only by a prayer, with heart.

actually that was the moment that make me realize that, yes, He is with me all the time. so when i started to pray (talk to Him) much more, miracles happened more. in my family, my great escape to another island, my dream to study in a college and having a motorcylce, my other unbelieveable experiences, and most of my dreams came true after i prayed in His name. sure, it's not only me that can be blessed so much.

in these paragraphs, in this post, i just wanna show people that God of Israel is really alive and the true One. it's not about religion. it's not about i am right and you are wrong. this is about options. which one you want to choose to believe in the rest of your life.

people live to die. and after you die, where do you want to go since we believe in heaven and hell?

of course i choose heaven. but believe it, the only one way to get there is Jesus.

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Oh Job

i think so many times about my current job. and i keep asking my mind, "why am i being a teacher?"
it was and still, is a big question in my mind. although i know that i ever dreamed about this ideal, that i ever wished to be a teacher when i was in primary. what a big dream and i never know how big is the responsible to do this job until these last years. i've been a teacher for about 3 years, maybe. and i was stressed out for, as i remember, 3 times. so when i felt down and wanted to leave my job as a teacher, i didn't have any ways out. i ever tried to apply other jobs that only need to sit in the office and stay before the computer, around 10 companies i've applied in. only one company called me back for interview and i came there, but the result was i don't have any skills for this office-job and he suggested me to stay back on my current job as a teacher because all my previous jobs were about education. and here i am!

i think more, to make me sure about this "service" that i have to do in my lifetime. i've prayed and asked so many times to God, is this my way life? and i don't get any answer about another job i can get that out of education world. well, when i was young i ever thought about this: what i want to be? (of course all children think about this, because their parents and teachers will ask them). but why i choose "teacher"?

first. in my young mind, i don't like business because it's too complicated. so many people be cruel and bad because the love of money that they can get much money from their job in business. i don't want to be a bad person, and a businesswoman.

second. i loved my grandma so much. i often went to her house after my family moved to another house (before that, we lived together). she loved to take care of me because she felt lonely. and when my big family went to her house for chinese new year celebration, my grandma adviced me to be a teacher. so sudden and i was shock. she said that teaching is the best job ever to do because you teach the kids to be good. it's an honorable job. my aunts and my mom agreed very much.

third. my mom said that i was so lazy. i was the laziest girl she ever saw. she was wondering my future, what i will be with this bad, very bad habit. in that time, i didn't have any idea and i didn't care about it. so after thinking so hard (maybe),my mom said that being a teacher was the proper job for me. i said to my self, "lazy teacher will make lazy students. mom, i'll be kicked out on the first day i work." but what could i say through my lips? i surrendered all.

for the next reasons, i think all my experiences are enough to say that God did make it for me: being a teacher. i enjoy my days and computer maybe not so good for eyes and sit too much will hurt my bottom.
so thanks God. :)

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Just Some Paragraphs

hi there..
i've made some resolutions for myself this year.. thank God some of them are started and going well. as i know myself so well, i feel His grace fulfill me so much.. because as a human being that has so many weaknesses and unperfection in every side, i can't do everything well. these days i thought so much about my self, my life, all my spiritual life. (someone or may be some people don't really like me because i'm too spiritual. actually i dont care about that. this is something that people said not really important just because they dont have a close relationship with God.) well, back to my spiritual life. they see so many miracles in my life, in all my problems and stories, and whatever they say, i still feel that i'm so far from Him.. yes i know you must be boring to read this paragraph, as i am.. because in the fact i dont really like to tell anybody about my deepest thought. at least, this paragraph is just as a reminder for me in the future. so.. only God and i know this..hahaha

i'm at my campuss right now! sitting alone in the canteen and enjoying wi-fi here.. as usual, freedom!
though so many things in my head, so many plans ahead to do, so much homework to do, what i'm doing here is one of the most relax things to do.

i dont know what this post talks about. and i dont care. may be someday i just can smile and see how silly i am to have some absurd paragraphs to write down! xD

God bless ;)

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Friends Of Mine (1)

Abbalove Ministries Friends, while we were decorating the church for Christmas 2012
(clockwise) Mekeria (Meike),  Elisabeth Caterina (Eli), Renny Puspita,
Linawati Kezia (Lina), Lia, Winnie, Frisca, and I

SPK 3rd period, 2012
Yoren Pramana, Jennifer Valeria, Naftali Nikita Thenaka, Kiki Afrianti, Esther Siagaian, and I

Tunas Bangsa Christian School teachers in "I Love Indonesia" event (2012)
1st line: I, Ms. Santi Tedja, Mrs. Kim, Ms. Isabella Deryana (Bella)
2nd line: Ms. Windhi Wulandari, Ms. Sophia, Ms. Dyan, Ms. Ratni Sari Hae, Ms. Ria Gunawan
3rd line: Ms. Ivonne, Ms. Desy Indah Susanti, Ms. Rika Rahayu, Ms. Aline Manuhutu,
Ms. Susi Harsono Wijaya

My Student in Brain Plus Course. Our last meeting.
Natly, Angel Honiman, I, Margaretha Yolanda (Nanda), Martha Yovita (Vita), and I forget their dogs' names
and the photograper was Ranti

My friends in Pontianak. I visit my hometown in July 2012
we were in Alun-Alun Kapuas River
Wanda Giovani, Elsa Meyti Tabitha, I, Yessica Arianti, Dewi Chandra
and the photographer was Fidelis Adolf Christyanto

My friends in Pontianak. We were having fun in Samudera Beach
Cang Wui, I, Christania Astri, Adrian (Yanz)
and the photograper was Steven (Apao)

From the same working place to the sharing community
(now all of us have different job but still together)
Ike Kurniawati (Ike), Elisabeth Susilowati (Lisa), Marina, Suranti (Ranti), and I

Basilea friends at Magnum Cafe, Grand Indonesia.
I, Andreas Hartono (Mister), Cen Cen, Reagen, Denny Desanleon, Giovani Theresia (Tere),
Daud Slamet Kurniawan, Agung Santoso, and Kaleb Setiawan

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Christmas (2012)

Christmas Tree at Abbalove Ministries Serpong,
before went to Anyer with Tunas Bangsa Christian School Gading Serpong teachers.

at Anyer beach with TBCS GS teachers. we were gathering and having fun

Christmas 2012 in Abbalove Ministries Serpong

Christmas Tree at Christ Cathedral Gading Serpong

Christmas tree at Central Park, West Jakarta

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Non Stop Blessings

wow, it's really been a long time i didnt open this blog.
welcome, 2013 ! although it's already February and there was Chinese New Year last Sunday. hmm, so many events since my last post. there were Christmas and new year celebration. busy but i enjoyed my days so much!

and of course, i want to thank my Lord again, and again, and again.. because of all blessing He has given to me. such as in my family. there was a miracle in it, and i really really really thanked Him for this. but of course, i still have to pray harder to give the best for my family. only God knows how much i love them.

about job and study, i enjoy them and nothing is really wrong. God really protects me from anything bad. :3

*some texts are missing*

hahaha..
it's midnight already. i really want to add some photos, but may be next time. i'm trying to give more time to write again. :D
God bless

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